I miss my little boy. I miss him SO much! He was smart, funny, sharp, quick and needed his Mommy. He was so amazing and wonderful. Now, he is gone. My little boy is gone.
In his place is a young man. This young man is thriving! He is smart, funny, sharp, quick, amazing, wonderful... all of those things my little boy was. But this young man is ten times, fifty times, even hundreds of times more. He is his own man with his own ideas and preferences. I want to do things for him and be his Mommy. It's so hard to step back, but so rewarding to watch him become his own person.
On the one hand, I am sad for me and the loss of my little boy; but mainly, I am so proud and happy to get to know this young man. Is this how it feels when they grow up? I'm so conflicted. He's in the right place at the right time, doing so well, and he's so awesome. I loved being his Mommy and I love watching him become an adult.
But, why does it make me feel so inept now? Is there nothing I can do for him as a parent? What about all of the things I forgot to tell him? What about the things that come up that I didn't think about? What if he takes the wrong step and I could've prevented it, saved him some pain? Just like when he was little, I want to suck up any and all pain. Just like when he was little, I know that I can't and I might even be the cause of some of it.
Congratulations for growing up, little boy. Congratulations for becoming such an amazing person. Please forgive me for the things I did wrong. All I know is that I couldn't be a prouder parent.
Shame is never OK -- especially when dealing with Mental llness - Well, I haven't blogged in a long time, but after three losses in three weeks I wanted to share some strong feelings I have about shame and mental illness....
5 years ago